Thursday, December 4, 2008

Thomond to house old has-beens

A new nursing home is to be built on the grounds of the Thomond Park development in Limerick City, the IRFU and Limerick City Council announced today.
The news comes amid speculation that the venue owners are seeking to aid the Limerick Regeneration Programme by populating the area with retiring, aging rockers. Concert promoters Aiken are working closely with the IRFU to procure as many old-aged has-beens from the music industry as possible, to launch the project on an international scale. Booking such luminaries as Elton John and Rod Stewart to play welcome concerts during the clients "orientation week" will put Thomond Woods, the proposed retirement home, on the global map.

"I mean the old todgers already love this country, with all the hills and glades for lovely walks and whatnot," says Aiken Promotions CEO Peter Aiken. "They all think they're turning into Yeats or something when they retire here, sure Ronnie Woods is known to wander the woods of Wicklow for days on end looking for fairies."

While both Elton John, who shot to fame after inventing the piano in 1934, and Rod Stewart, who claims to have coined the phrase 'E minor" with his classic hit "Maggie May", have confirmed residencies in the nursing home, due for completion in late 2009, fellow rocker Keith Richards has also expressed interest. The Rolling Stone is even rumoured to have pledged to donate a forest of coconut trees for the grounds of the "facility". Richards' passion for the plant is well documented after it was revealed he broke a collarbone falling from a palm tree while attempting to make love to the unripened coconut fruit, two years ago in Fiji.

The management executive for the new development are quick to quell concerns of any such outlandish behaviour.

"Thomond Woods will be no different from any other private nursing home," says Dr. Rupert Skifflehorn, who is due to head up the administration as Head Warden. "We simply won't be tolerating any activity that is deemed contrary to the best interests of the clients, or is indeed illegal. Of course, some lifestyle choices will be exempted as part of the inmates flambuoyant profession," the Top Screw said, making use of the inverted commas jesture for the words 'lifestyle' and 'inmates'.

Local Fine Gael councillor Gareth O'Hooloohoolahan, was among the first to come out in support of the proposed plan. "I think its exactly what Limerick needs, and if our party was in government, it's something we would have done a long time ago."

The completed facility will have state of the art facilities including tennis courts, bowling alley, full health spa including a swimming pool, and a chapel.

Among the other stars who expressed interest in Thomond are Bette Midler, Barry Manilow, TV action legend Chuck Norris and our very own Phil Coulter, who are all nearing the diaper-wearing 'where am I?' phase of their careers, and would look to avail of the nursing home's world class health care.

One celebrity who showed little enthusiasm for the project is human-cyborg comedienne Joan Rivers, who was in Ireland promoting her "I'm A Bitch Who's Been Married Lots - It's Funny" world tour. While details of the impressive resident cosmetic surgery team appealed to the star, she confessed a distaste for the other named clients.

"Ugh, Elton John and Rod Stewart? I'd rather schmutz my own kaboose than live with them, not to mention seeing them in concert. Yeesh."

Perhaps in the case, the bitch is right.

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